I spent a lot of years seeking the approval of one individual. When I managed to do something good and, at the same time, was lucky enough for them to notice my good deed and offer me praise, their admiration was a whole body experience. I felt it in my bones, my mind, my spirit. But their praise was rare and difficult to come by.
At some point, I lost the ability to fully appreciate their praise. Receiving affirmation from them was such an infrequent event that I began to not trust it, to not fully comprehend it. I still wanted it. I still had moments when I sought after it. But whenever I received it, I struggled knowing what to do with it, how to respond to it, and where to apply it.
It was all kinda like a dance, a dance that I performed and occasionally they’d notice.
The music I was dancing to? Trauma.
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