The hate in the world is suffocating, but I believe that love will always win. Some days I question my sanity in thinking this way. I keep a copy of Ephesians 5:1-2 on my desk so I can read it daily to remind me of how we are to love and treat others. Some days I have to read this multiple times. Thank you for a great post.

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I have told 3 men who I love and who love me that I am gay. And I also shared with them the cruel things I have experienced in the church. These men who have spoken words of blessing to me repeatedly in the past said nothing when I shared my pain. Not a single word. "I am sorry a Christian told you that you are disgusting, that you are the worst of the worst. I am sorry you don't feel safe in the church. I am sorry you have never heard a Christian say Jesus loves you". None of these statements would have violated their unaffirming theology but they remained silent.

Their theology binds gay people in shame and self-contempt. And as I considered their silence and the silence of a church unwilling to simply say to gay people "Jesus loves you" I realized that they are in bondage too. They have poured the new wine of the Gospel into the old wineskins of the Pharisees. They feel the pull of the Gospel to love but are held back by the need to be right.

The evangelical church has made an idol out of being right. I get it, being right provides security, a sense that I know how the world is ordered and where I fit into it. Most evangelicals have also mistaken certainty for truth. If they are certain, it must be true.

As I heal from church hurt, I am trying to move through this in love. But many days they make it hard and I want to tell them all to F off.

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I *still* hope. I'm being very open and very detailed on my Facebook, about my experience of being trans, and being queer, and how much I tried NOT to be, and follow all of the advice I was given by other Christians, in person, in sermon, and in books, (some of it from *people I'm friends with on Facebook*) and how it DIDN'T WORK.

About the process of accepting that I'm trans, and what I'm going through as I start transitioning.

I hope, desperately hope, that some of them will start seeing past their ideology to see me, see me as a person, and not a stereotype, and maybe see the harm and damage that they've done to me and other LGBTQA folks. Maybe -at the very least- they'll stop giving bad advice, and piling on the blame when it doesn't work.

But it's so hard, some days.

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Seems like a lost cause.

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